Well, my new blog is off to a slow start.

It’s not so much that I’m unmotivated to do it, but more that I’m lacking focus lately.  The holidays pretty thoroughly kicked my ass this year and I am still trying to find my bearings and enthusiasm.

It’s been 16 months since my husband died and my second round of holidays without him.  The first round was a blurry mixture of tears and numbness.  Round two, there was far too much clarity and just a profound sense of loss.  I don’t know which was worse.  But I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t coming back and I need to start looking forward to the rest of my life and what I’m going to do with it.  It is a truly difficult thing to absorb and embrace.

I made a fake profile the other day on an online dating site.  Curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know what was out there.  (I defy anyone to honestly say that you aren’t curious about online dating, because you know you are!)  Until you actually look into it anyway.  In no way do I mean any disrespect or anything demeaning to the sincere folks out there trying to find someone, but after a couple of days browsing I am sufficiently put off from it to say that it’s highly unlikely I will ever make a real profile.  Holy shit.  More than anything I was struck by the number of men who identify themselves as “separated”.  Seriously??  Not even divorced yet and already have a dating profile up?  So not cool for so many reasons….  Also observed that a surprising number of men have user names such as “Just4UBaby” and “LonelyGuy”, which does elicit an, “Ewww”, and an, “Awww”, respectively, as I’m browsing.  Would I ever date them?  No.  Would I even click on their profiles to see more?  No.  Does that make me a judgmental bitch?  Maybe.  I hope not.  But it’s still a firm and resounding no.  God, no.

I do believe that the whole online dating thing is out of my system now, so that’s a good thing.  I’ve seen what it looks like, and I’ve read plenty of disturbing articles about it.  Mostly I was just curious and being a bit lonely at times can make it seem intriguing, but I know it’s not for me.  I can’t see myself as a casual plaything for a man who isn’t serious, and I can’t see myself as a viable contender for a man who wants a serious relationship either.  I’m neither of those women and so, clearly, not ready for dating despite my curious nature.  I think I’m much better suited to a pen pal.  Or maybe even a dog?  Hmmm